I need you so much closer.

Searching for the right words to express what’s inside of me. But it’s futile, they simply don’t exist. The only way I know is to show you.

This has already gone much too far and we’re less than halfway through. And I’m stuck. Stuck between believing I have to weather the storm, to follow the plan, or ending this impossible attempt at pretending we don’t exist, even just for a moment. Because we do exist, and we’re incomplete in our separate worlds.

Struggling to admit what I truly believe, if only because it leaves me vulnerable, broken without you. But I’m only fooling myself for a short time. Reality will collapse on top of me regardless of words.

Every moment I think of you, I imagine you here, in my grasp, and it becomes overwhelming. But imagining my life without you feels impossibly worse.

I want need to do what’s right for us, but most importantly, what’s right for you. And I truly hope this is it.

I still….I just don’t think I’m….

It’s always been absurd to me, a cliche. Uttered by so many in meaningless attempts to be genuine that I’ve never given it an ounce of serious consideration. Until now.

Face-to-face in a moment that could be nothing less than the ultimate reality. Staring down the possibility that I’m reading the line and thinking it’s the only thing to say, re-reading it, bouncing it off of others for their approval. It sounds true… perhaps right, even. And that can’t be a good thing.

Signs follow me in my sleep, there’s no rest for the w(e)ary. The efforts to suspend the sub-conscious and mornings full of guilt and (hopeful) disbelief are fading into the night. The dreams are the last indicators before perception becomes reality.

I can’t help wondering what brought me here. And I can’t help but wonder if it’s impossible that it will take me away. Trapped deep inside this misrepresentation, trying to claw my way out seems futile.

Fuck it.

I still… but I just don’t think I’m…

I’m all in.

I always thought that convincing myself would be the hardest part. Convincing myself that I could feel this, convincing myself that it’s existence was possible. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

And now i’ve come to this point. I’ve come to the point of abandonment. I’ve abandoned everything I’ve ever thought was right. I’ve abandoned my reasoning, my logic, my pattern of thinking…my tao. 

So here I am…I’m all you’ve ever wanted and everything I’ve ever feared. I’m yours. Giving you everything you want. Laying myself on the ground for you. 

This is the moment of truth. This is the moment where you decide. I’m leaving it up to you. I’m letting go of everything for you. 

I’m all in. What are you?

“That is the dumbest thing on the internet”

That’s how Randall put it…and I don’t think he could be any more poignant. Just in case you ever needed a directory of the dumbest people on the planet with internet access, I’ve found it:

Charter: For Life

I really don’t even want to dignify this thing with a logical analysis and conclusion, but I have to. Ok, as of the time of this posting, the high bid was $39,007.00. Let’s assume that Charter’s most expensive internet plan is about $50. That’s 780 months. That’s 65 years. That’s longer than just about everyone who is old enough to spend $39,007.00 will live.

Even assuming you live that long, let’s think about this for a second. Why would someone do this? The cost of internet is steadily declining, there are entire cities with free wifi coverage. Many people think that free internet is inevitable.

Next problem, inflation. What the fuck is $39,007.00 going to be worth in 65 years. 65 years ago, if you had $39,007.00…you would have the 2008 equivalent of, oh…a fucking house ($308,244.83). And these jackasses want to spend it…on internet.

To conclude, these people are fucking idiots. All of them need to be put on a fucking island…and we need to sink it into the fucking ocean.

DVDs and Marriage

This past weekend, while NOT going to Disneyland (aka, driving to Anaheim, parking and then being rejected at the front gates…damn you blackout dates!!!) I watched yet another film on TV that I own on DVD…which reminded me of a recent New Rule on Real Time with Bill Maher…

New Rule: Scientists must explain why we will stop and watch a movie on cable even though we own that exact same movie on DVD, and could watch it any time we want. I call it “Shawshank” Syndrome. And I’ve realized that DVD’s are a lot like marriage: when it’s there every single night, just sitting right in front of you, for some reason, you don’t feel like putting it in.

Damn you Ronin. You got me again.

This is a Peanut Flight.

Boring plane rides will do things to you…Like make you start blogging again. Or at least make you blog, on a Blackberry, for 1800 words. This may not be exactly the triumphant return to the blogging universe that I aspired to, but I wrote something and I might as well post it. So here it goes….Plane blogging v1.0.

As I boarded the plane to LA I noticed the flight attendants and a gate agent having a discussion about the place of the peanut in the airline industry. Specifically, they were talking about whether airlines should ban them or not because of people with allergies…

Now, I’m not an expert on the subject but I was under the impression that one had to ingest peanuts or at the very least make physical contact with them in order to have a reaction to said peanuts. Anyways, thinking nothing of it, I move past them, shuffle my way back to 7A, put my carry-on in the overhead and tap 7C on the shoulder since the concept of getting the fuck out of the row to let the window seat passenger get to his destination is a foreign concept. Is nothing sacred anymore?

As I get settled, a nearby conversation catches my attention.

“They have to be kidding right? Why don’t they just not serve them?!”

It’s 8C, a 20 something who looks like he’s on his way back from spring break ninety-eight. No seriously, he’s not in college. He’s just one of those creeps that still goes to spring break 5 years after he dropped out going around referring to USC as his alma mater and asking sophomores if they want to party.

(It should be noted… I’m not against to this practice as a whole. I’m just against this guy, doing it in the way I know he did. If, by chance one were to go to spring break, or maybe summer break, maybe in Cancun, one should keep it classy. I.E. Have a degree, but fake like one was still in school, call oneself Peter the freshman and insist one’s ID was a fake. Oh, and one should probably still ask girls if they wanted to party, but one should be joking, sort of. )

Operation

1:07 PM mindscribble: so if I go to one rave, can I call myself a Raver?1:08 PM me: all you need to be a raver is a glowstick and some E.

 mindscribble: fyi

  you can’t go to the rave with me

  because

  mindscribble: you’d leave with a girl and fuck her, and I’d leave with a hand massage

1:09 PM it isn’t fair

  

 me: i’ll get 140+ out here

 mindscribble: yeah… it isn’t worth the diseases, sorry

1:10 PM me: you provide your own saran wrap though

 mindscribble: yeah, I can’t be with a chick that I only get one edge of the rim with when I dip it in

1:11 PM this isn’t the game Operation

  I WANT to touch the sides

  if you catch my drift

1:14 PM me: hahahahahahahhahahahahahah

Katalina Williams Is a True Artist

If you need an informative map created, Katalina is your girl.

Take a look at this masterpiece, highlighting the various venues and amenities nearby her and Annelise’s new apartment.

Trainz.

U.S. Gran Prix Live Blog

It’s less than a minute into FOX’s United States Gran Prix coverage and I’m already yearning for SPEED TV. The theme from Kill Bill to open up the race coverage? Come on.

Here’s the start.

Alonso makes a Schumacher-esque start and almost runs Massa off the road in an effort to keep Massa behind. Raikkonen makes another terrible start and ends up in 6th.

I’m going to have nightmares after this.

I’m not going to pretend that I know everything about Mike Gravel. I’m also not going to pretend I know anything at all about his 2008 Presidential campaign. What do I know? I know all I need to know after watching this video.

(Just Over) A Week of Debauchery

It was Wednesday night, had a friend from San Diego up. Poured “The Passion of The Kyle’s,” (TPOTKs) walked down to the set. Talked with the PA’s, refill, took some pictures, refill, hang with the SWAT guys, refill, “You’re in our shot,” refill. Ran into a real member of the police (the force, not the band) at 5am who informed us it was time to leave. The next morning we woke to pictures of people we don’t remember. Ignore them. Lunch at Trimana, met a friend at his bank, went to a record store, picked up a copy of “Macho Man” on vinyl for 99 cents. Went to Gallagher’s (Just Irish…no relation to the ’seventies comedian [unfortunately]), drank Newcastle, gauged a girl’s height, ate burgers and sang karaoke. There’s no future here so we headed to Silver Lake to meet friends at Cha Cha. Lines are for the desperate, so we cross the street and go to Red Lion instead. Inside, it’s a Bavarian tavern where you can’t read any of the names on the taps, the bartender is a 70 year old version of St Pauli Girl, and a middle-aged-middle-eastern guy wearing a FUBU shirt plays lounge songs on a Casio. Tony Romo was creeping us out so we hopped over to the Dresden Room… it was dead but charming as ever. Back to Long Beach and down to the set. Saw Cube, saw Tracy, listened to damaging stories about countless film industry (don’t say) celebrities and a guy “rolling around inside his car like a bowling ball on the deck of a ship during a storm.” Some people really can make a car wreck funny. San Diego the next night. Pacific Beach is full of meatheads and PB tires, but worth braving to see old friends. Inside Thrusters, it’s not the surprise I wanted. My (should be legally ex but isn’t yet) Brother-in-law is standing at the bar. “Thanks for not being a dick to me…” he says, but it’s easy when your guilt pays the bill. Walked to someone’s house that I don’t remember which was all too close to another that I didn’t want to. I’m lost in it, having flashbacks and it’s time to leave. Don’t remember closing my eyes but I must have because

BradyFan83 thinks Vick (is a douchebag).

Or maybe he doesn’t. Either way, that’s not important. What is important is this video. And by important, I mean…an instant classic. It’s probably BradyFan83’s most serious work, no doubt because of the topic, but there are a few zingers in there. (Yeah, I just used the word zinger. Wanna fight about it?)

“And then I threw him a boooonnee, yeah. I underthrew him a boooooonneee.”

Ride The White (Pixie Stix) Horse.

It’s been almost a year since this event was captured on video at the Independence Day Eve party, hosted by Lindsay Strannigan and her roommates. I’m not sure where the idea for this came from, I suppose there was a lot of Pixie Stix around…and well, Pixie Stix (when emptied) look a lot like cocaine. But still…that’s quite the leap to take.

In any case, after some instigating from Brandon, Rory, Randall and myself, Lindsay finally succumbed and agreed to snort the contents of an entire Pixie Stick off the back of her palm. The results are fairly spectacular.

Like a pro…a true pro.

Ichiro Suzuki is hilarious.

The Mariners had to make a quick trip through Cleveland to make up the second of four games that were snowed out in April…yes, I said snowed out.

When Ichiro Suzuki was asked how he felt about having to make the trip, he delivered what I have to consider the quote of the year (through his translator of course):

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying ‘I’m excited going to Cleveland,’ I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

Don’t touch the watch.

Bush Lovefest (I was going to put a date here, but since there hasn’t been one before and I don’t think there will be one again, I deemed it unnecessary) was well underway in Albania on Sunday.

Albania, as you probably do not might recall, is one of our “staunch allies” in the war on terror, contributing a whopping 120 troops in Iraq. Albania is also largely pro-U.S. because of the United States’ desire for Kosovo, whose residents are largely Albanian, to become an independent state. This was also the first visit by a US leader to Albania in history. All of this added up to quite the hero’s welcome for Bush.

Bush walked through the sidewalks, soaking in every ounce of attention given to him. People cheered, chanted his name, grabbed his arms and even hugged and kissed the President (on the cheek, don’t worry Laura). I almost sympathized with the guy for a minute. Almost everyone in the world hates you, and constantly reminds you of it, and then you come to a place like this, clearly looking for support, and when you get any of it, it has to feel rewarding. Then I remembered how much of a dick he is.

But enough of that…the real question is, did they steal his watch?

The Justice System got a little better today.

From ESPN.com

Genarlow Wilson has already served 27 months of a 10-year felony sentence for receiving oral sex from a 15-year-old girl when he was 17. Because of an archaic Georgia law on the books at the time of his trial, he could have been charged only with a misdemeanor if he and the girl had engaged in sexual intercourse. Subsequently, that law was changed; but Wilson remained in jail, which led to editorials in The New York Times and a letter from former president Jimmy Carter protesting the injustice of Wilson’s original sentence.

The 10-year prison sentence of former Atlanta-area high school athlete and honor student Genarlow Wilson…was voided on Monday by a Georgia judge. Wilson’s attorney, B.J. Bernstein, told ESPN.com that she is attempting to have him released as soon as possible, which would put an end to a long legal battle.

The finding of fact and conclusions of law in the order stated that “the fact that Genarlow Wilson has spent two years in prison for what is now classified as a misdemeanor, and without assistance from this Court, will spend eight more years in prison, is a grave miscarriage of justice. If any case fits into the definitive limits of a miscarriage of justice, surely this case does.”

The state appealed Monday’s ruling, and it is possible that Wilson, 21, could remain behind bars pending the result of that appeal.

Bernstein told reporters she believes Baker is just trying to stop Wilson’s immediate release.

Here’s to that appeal getting denied and perhaps a tiny sliver of justice being delivered.

Gays? No way. But Gangs? Sure!

As we all know, the US Army has lowered it’s acceptance standards in order to keep up with recruitment goals. An unpopular, bloody war is sure to make recruitment difficult, and because of this, the Army has chosen to turn a blind eye to certain “moral” character issues, granting these recruits waivers.

A study by the Baltimore Sun found “a significant increase in the number of recruits with what the Army terms ’serious criminal misconduct’ in their background” — a category that includes “aggravated assault, robbery, vehicular manslaughter, receiving stolen property and making terrorist threats.”

Now, it seems, there may be some backlash from the Army failing to do it’s homework on some recruits, in the everlasting quest to keep up with it’s recruiting goals.

From Stars and Stripes:

U.S. criminal gangs have gained a foothold in the U.S. military and are using overseas deployments to spread tentacles around the globe, according to the FBI.

FBI gang investigator Jennifer Simon said in an e-mail to Stars and Stripes this week that gang members have been documented on or near U.S. military bases in Germany, Italy, Japan, South Korea and Iraq.

“It’s no secret that gang members are prevalent in the armed forces, including internationally,” Simon said.

The Canadian Gran Prix

Formula1.com

In a race that saw four Safety Car periods, several major rule violations, unlikely passes, and multiple crashes, including one by Robert Kubica that was perhaps the most horrendous crash in recent Formula 1 memory (video and more photos below)…there certainly was no shortage of entertainment.

What do you got a horse outside?

I suppose it is the offseason…but this has to be one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen a football player do.

THE ENQUIRER / JEFF SWINGER

On Saturday, June 9, Chad Johnson raced a horse…and won. Here’s the video.

In fairness to the horse (and so as to not fall into the sensational journalism crowd), it was only an a 200 meter race…and Chad had a 100 meter head start. So, it wasn’t really a race…at all. Still, that didn’t diminish Chad’s enthusiasm, nor did it keep him from trash talking before the event.

“Look at him over there,” CJ said, pointing to the horse. “This is how DBs feel before the game. He’s antsy. He’s nervous.”

Eighty-Five also showed no signs that this would be his sole off season sideshow.

“Floyd Merriweather, you’re next,” he said. “I want to fight you. I’d like to take Kobe and LeBron one-on-one. Jeff Gordon, we can take a couple laps.”

I love your enthusiasm, Chad…but you beat a horse in a 200m race, with 100m head start…I don’t think you’ll be taking on Merriweather anytime soon.

Possible South Carolina connection to Vick (is a douchebag)?

From the AJC:

A former South Carolina prosecutor told the AJC on Friday that he saw evidence that Vick kept dogs in that state while he was prosecuting a major dogfighting case in 2004.

“I had actually heard, as part of our investigation, that Vick had some dogs here in South Carolina,” said William Frick, the lead prosecutor in the David Ray Tant dogfighting case.

Frick said he did not know what kind of dogs Vick had in South Carolina but that he assumed they were “fighting dogs.” Asked for specifics, Frick said Vick had a “dog yard” and it was not something that would bring charges.

Frick is no longer with the attorney general’s office and currently is in private practice in Columbia. Tant, whom authorities labeled as the No. 2 dog breeder in the country, pleaded guilty and was sentenced to a 40-year prison term.

“I’m not surprised to hear that somewhere here in South Carolina that we have a connection,” Frick said. “But as far as whether it’s Tant or not, I really don’t know if they dealt with each other.”

According to Poindexter, investigators have interviewed two South Carolina inmates regarding the case involving Vick’s Virginia property. Poindexter also said of Thursday’s involvement by federal authorities, “The jurisdictional basis is some sort of interstate violation.”